Mr. Awesome proves everybody is a star

Total democracy has won the war. Today, everyone can promote the idea of their absolute worthiness on websites, and has access to newsgroups to post yet another ignored opinion. What has value, when everything is irrevocably reduced to yet another quark in an endless swirling sea of mediocrity?

It is in this era that Roy Shildt, aka Mr. Awesome, has emerged.

Mr. Awesome does not have a website. (Not yet.) Mr. Awesome does not have a product. (Not yet.) Mr. Awesome does not even have a running automobile. But Mr. Awesome does believe that he’s worthy of celebrity. “If a garbage bag like Kato Kaelin is a celebrity, then I’m a celebrity.”

Roy Shildt believes that his awesome potetential is based on three major factors:

1. Roy Shildt is listed in the 1986 edition of The Guinness Book of World Records as having had the highest score for the video game, “Missile Command”. Almost 100 “computer athletes” are listed in the Guinness Book, but Mr. Shildt was inducted as the first member of “Video Hall of Fame” (location unknown). The individual who achieved the highest score for Donkey Kong cannot make the same claim.

2. Roy Shildt took out a one-third-page ad in the May 1989 issue of Playgirl magazine, which includes a picture of his disturbingly naked musclebound body standing next to a six-foot-aluminium ladder. Listed in this ad are Mr. Awesome’s sperm count statistics, his availability for “bachelorette parties, character roles in motion pictures, Swedish massage, tour guiding an dpersonal fitness training”, and his actual phone number.

3. After mailing a letter and issue of Playgirl magazine to the media personality Madonna, the woman – according to Mr. Shildt – actually called him up. Material mailed to this writer by Mr. Shildt included a lengthy, obsessive fixation in the form of the Playboy column “20 Questions” speculating on Madonna’s desperate need for Mr. Awesome’s sperm.

Mr. Shildt tells me that the prime vehicle for establishing his coming celebrity will be a comic called, “The Comic Book Life of Roy Shildt”, which would include a “mini-story” called “The Mr. Awesome Training Manual” that informs “comic book nerds over the age of 18 how to ‘get all the babes you ever dreamed of.’”

“We can sell millions,” rants Mr. Shildt/Awesome to this author by phone. “Millions. All you have to do is help me write it, and print the thing. If you fuck me over like the scumbags of Hollywood and everyone else, you’ll get yours. If you do me well, I won’t forget you. Mr. Awesome is the avenging angel of all the fucked-over people who tried to make it in Hollywood. My name is going to be worth a lot of money.”

Feral house regrettably turned down the possibility of selling millions of The Comic Book Life of Roy Shildt, though we promised Mr. Shildt the possibility of appearing in Apocalypse Culture II. Mr. Shildt seemed extravagantly optimistic about his article in this book. After all, the book you are now holding in your hands may very well establish Mr. Awesome’s coming stardom. “If you are good to me, and don’t fuck me over,” reminds Mr. Shildt, “you can use me for Apocalypse Culture III, and for the cover as well!”

On the auspicious day in which this future superstar was interviewed, Mr. Shildt took a bus to meet the author at a Venice Beach restaurant (as he doesn’t have the money to register his automobile bearing Mr. Awesomes vanity plates). During the interview, Mr. Shildt spoke of his dynamic life and plans for wealth and celebrity. And, before he took a bus back to his apartment, he loaned me a few negatives of his poses with a grotesquely silicone-enchansed porn actress who goes by the name “Whitney Wonders”. These photos would apparently be used for reproduction in the “Mr. Awesome Training Manual”.

Among Mr. Shildt’s salient characteristics is his refusal to hear the word “no”. Day after day we recieved Mr. Shildt’s long and loud phone calls, and to achieve a small respite from his hard sales inquiries, we failed to answer his phone calls for some hours even turning off the ringer. This made Mr. Shildt angry. Here is one of his messages:

“I don’t know why you’re ducking my call, but I want those negatives back or I’m going to call the police and report’em stolen. So listen, you gutless little faggot, you better call me back right now or I’m goint to fucking find you and kick your fucking ass. You understand, thief? Or I’m going to call the police. My number is 310-477-xxxx, you gutless gay bastard.”

Another message, following:

“I don’t understand why you’re ducking my calls, Adam. I mean it’s ridiculous. I’m trying to do better for you. I can’t understand your reasoning. There’s no reason to duck my calls. Don’t you have any guts at all? Jesus Christ! My number is 310-477-xxxx: Why don’t you return my call and straighten this thing out? Hello? Are you standing there listening to this?” (click)

From here on, dear reader, we’ll try not to be a gutless little faggot. Mr. Shildt’s remarkable saga is herewith presented in interview form.

Mr. Awesome, what were the calls like when you ran the advertisement in Playgirl?

Nuts. Just nuts. Then some women called me who were curious, wondering if Playgirl was pulling a stunt. Said, is this a real person? I thought that Playgirl magazine was playing a joke. I say no, it’s really me. They sa what’s it really about, and I say, American women have the right to know who’s jacking off in the sperm banks and fertility clinics. Trying to give America a new view from someone who’s actually done the job. (Hyena-like laugh.) And some of them wanted sperm.

You’re a sperm donor?

Yeah, yeah. That’s how I met my wife. We worked something out there. (Ferocious laughter.) The basic theory is why should the sperm banks make all the profits? Why go for frozen sperm when you can have it fresh from the source? (Laughs.)

Do you have children?

Just one. Five-year-old son.

What’s his name?

Calvin.

Named after Calvin Klein?

Yeah. Sure enough, he is. (Laughs.)

Are you kidding me?

No, I’m serious.

You like Calvin Klein’s name?

We had no one else to name him after. My wife likes the way I look in underwear, so I said, let’s name him Calvin Klein. (Laughs.)

Who else was caling you?

Lots of nuts. Famous people and not-so-famous.

What famous people called you?

I’d rather not say at this point. I spoke to Madonna and a few others in ther class. Famous ones.

After this ad came out?

Yeah, I got a few of them. Rather not say their name, outside of Madonna. She’s already admitted she’s spoken to me, and plus, we were supposed to have a competition to see who her sperm donor would be. She ended up getting inseminated by this guy Carlos Leon and, uh, which to my understanding was an unplanned pregnancy. She was having sex with the guy, never expecting to get pregnant, and then she did. I think Madonna had some problems getting pregnant the normal way. The chancses are so small. Virtually negligent. But lo and behold, by luch of the draw, she did get pregnant off of him. As a matter of fact I’ve got some substantiating evidence of that. You just can’t go aroung saying things without proof. Doesn’t matter what you say, it only matters what you prove. That’s one of the hallmarks that I live by.

Playgirl is considered a gay magazine.

No it isn’t. A lot of gays buy it, but it says on the cover “Entertainment For Women” and that’s what it means to me. Hey! Here’s New York Post, April 13 1996. They’ve done an article on Mr. Leon here. And I just highlighted it. You don’t have to read the whole thing, just the part that was highlighted.

Did she call you up, or did you call her?

I sent her a package with the ad and all my information. Resumé. I sent her an actual copy of The Guinnes Book of World Records. And then she called me. I got the package to her by special delivery.

What are you wearing around your neck?

Just a little gold dumbbell.

What about the round thing?

A jade ball. A good luck charm.

Has it provided you good luck?

(Much laughter.)

You grew up in New York?

Brooklyn.

Did you shave off your eyebrows?

No. They’re just really light.

Could you tell me about your background? Your family?

(Laughs.) I grew up in Bensonhurst. My father was a letter carrier for the United States Mail Service. A real asshole, too. A major scumbag, too. Philanderer.

Philanderer?

Yeah. (Laughs.) Drunkard. He used to... he beat me all the time.

When did you move out to Los Angeles?

In 1979. I started out as a UCLA student. Graduated in ’85. Six years an undergraduate. I have a degree in Psychology and a minor concentration in business. I worked for securities companies for a while, and I worked for Gold’s Gym for a while.

What did you do at Gold’s Gym?

I started at the bottom picking up the weights, and hoping to get promoted, but I never did. I did some casting calls. A bit part. Nothing to speak of. Didn’t make any money out of it. But I’ve enjoyed life, but I haven’t made any money out of it. I’ve been lifting weights since high school. Power lifting has been my big thing since I was at my peak.

Where did you get your idea for a comic book?

You know GlamorCon?

You mean the thing they have near L.A. Airport?

Yeah. That’s where I see the celebrities there, the women, the Playboy playmates and the guys running around there are the same ones at the comic books convention and I said, hey, where’s the general public? And they’re not there, it’s only the comic book guys. And it came to me since I read Playboy a lot and I saw that book How To Pick Up Girls in there, that’s been selling well for years and years, and I see all these comic book guys in here. And I thought if we bring the two things together, a How To Pick Up Girls superhero comic book thing, it could really sell well, and I worked on that idea, how to incorporate myself as a comic book hero. The method with which I picked up girls was the Playgirl magazine exposé, and I figured what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If a Playboy playmate is a celebrity then certainly I am a celebrity. I’m the first computer athlete in the Hall of Fame in the Guinnes Book of World Records, plus I’m in Playgirl magazine. The World Record computer athlete is what makes me Mr. Awesome. Everything else is just the garnish. If a garbage bag like Kato Kaelin is a celebrity, then I’m a celebrity. If a bimbo like Monica Lewinsky is nominated for Woman of the Year, thein I should seriously consider running for President. What really got me started was that Donna Rice thing. In 1986, I think it was. This idiot gets photographed on the lap of some politician and all of a sudden there’s a whole big scandal and now she’s selling jeans on TV. She’s a multi-millionaire for being a goofball. Hey, that’s what got me the idea for Playgirl magazine. If they make a celebrity out of Donna Rice, then certainly I deserve to be a celebrity too. I can be just as crazy as anobody else, if that’s what it takes. (Laughs.) If they don’t recognize me from playing video games, then they’ll have to recognize me for something else.

What are you goint to tell people about how to pick up girls?

The method I used in how to pick up girls was all done through Playgirl magazine. The Mr. Awesome program is how to write a resumé, how to publish it in Playgirl magazine, how to screen the phone calls and set up the dates.

Gee, you tell me that several million people are going to buy your comic book. And if most of them took your advice there would be millions of ads in Playgirl magazine. Wouldn’t that be competition for you?

Well, that’s the whole thing. I don’t think anyone else would do it. Maybe only one person in a thousand would even seriously consider doing it...

But aren’t you trying to teach young men how to pick up girls?

That’s the way I did it. I don’t think anyone else would have the gall to do what I did. If you read How to Pick Up Girls, the one that Eric Weber wrote, it really doesn’t do very much for you. It gives you a few pick-up lines, it gives you some confidence, but as far as picking up girls, it doesn’t work. It’s like saying, sure, you could pick up a girl at a supermarket and sleep with her that night, as I said, but you’d have better chances hitting the lottery. That was one of the things in the back of my mind when I ran the Playgirl ad. I said, hey, what would happen if you could buy three million lottery tickets, all at the same time? Standing in a supermarket, you might be able to come on to a girl two or three times a day, by the time you got someone, it would be in the next 30 or 40 years. But if you dould send out three million pick-up lines to some girl reading Playgirl magazine then sooner or later you’re going to get at least two or three of them! That’s where the idea came. The Mr. Awesome Program works!

So, have you used your program to meet other girls, besides your wife?

Yes, I’ve met a few other girls. I’ve inseminated them. I’ve got a few kids out there.

What about the gay people who called what did you tell them?

You get a lot of gay people who call, obviously. You just say, please don’t call me any more, and you be polite about it. You don’t want to be rude to these people. Actually, I was rude to one. Some guy kept calling me, and I said some insulting things to him and he just kept caling me constantly just trying to annoy the shit out of me. So just say if a gay guy calls, thank you very much, but I’m not interested. Just ignore the gays, and concentrate on the women.

What about the woman you posed with in those pictures?

Whitney Wonders? Yeah, I met her through the ad. A lot of porno women called me. A few, I met a few of them. Most of then call you up and laugh at you. Some of them call upp masturbating. You deal with it or you don’t, depending on the mood you’re in.

How did you get the photos with this Whitney Wonders?

After she called I had her number for a while, and when the idea for the book came up, I called her up and she came over. I paid her $300 for the shoot.

So you never did anything with her.

Yes, I did. We had a couple of dates. But you know, I wasn’t doing a book. The book came later.

I thought you had a wife.

My wife, I’m just living with her. She’s... It’s a special circumstance. It’s a mutual... Just a cohabitation of mutual convenience, really, it’s not a real marriage. Even though we are legally married.

Do you want a real marriage?

Yeah. Yeah. As soon as I can afford it. I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m looking to score on the comic book deal. Why I really haven’t moved forward on a financially gainful position is because I’m expecting a couple of lawsuits, so I’m really... I’m really, I’m really taking advantage of the fact that I’m judgement-proofs right now. So even though I’m broke and I’m 44 and I’m ruined because if you’re 44 and you’re broke, forget about getting any decent money, unless you marry some rich woman. But yeah, I’m hoping to make a few million dollars from this book deal. I’m thinking I’m going to sell a few million copies and there’s going to be some lawsuits involved.

Lawsuits?

There’s going to be some lawsuits involved. Thing’s I’m going to say in there. People might not like, you know. You can sue anybody for anything these days. So, you know. I have some inside information on some rich and famous people that I’m holding back because I’m hoping that Madonna will be interested in it, and if and when Madonna and Heidi Fleiss get together to conclude their movie deal, Madonna said she’s thinking of putting me in it. So the information I have I’ll give to her and maybe she’ll incorporate it into her movie so maybe there’ll be lawsuits from that as well, so I have to be careful.

How would Madonna put you into a movie?

Like the Richard Gere character in American Gigolo. It’s a real hazy thing right now. I wrote a synopsis on a script and Madonna called me and said we’ll think about it. She laughs. She likes me. She’s laughing. She thinks I’m a funny guy, and it’s a “we’ll see that the future holds, no promises” kind of thing. I’ve got my fingers crossed. I’m hoping that that movie will be made and I will become a big star. Or at least a household word. At least as good as Kato Kaelin. If that garbage bag is a celebrity, I should be a celebrity.

[At this moment of the interview, Mr. Awesome makes sure my tape machine is switched off. He’s about to tell me some very important information regarding another projected masterpiece called Portfolio of the Fellatio of the Rich and Famous. Apparently this epic has to do with Hollywood entities who called him up and attempted to get together with Mr. Awesome to get him hooked on drugs and involved with homosexual sex. Mr. Awesome then flashes some photo of a haggard-looking man in his late ‘50s, whos taking off his pants.]

Who is that man, Mr. Awesome? I don recognize him.

His nephew is very famous, as famous as they come. With The Portfolio of the Rich and the Famous I’m going to expose all those Hollywood scumbags. But first Madonna has to get involved. Is your tape machine turned off?